The Art of Saying Goodbye

The hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye to you.

Because I never said goodbye to you. I said goodbye to my version of you. To my dreams, my plans with you, the memories I was sure were the only things keeping me alive.

I still hear your words, albeit in my head while I read your letters. I still see you, even if it's in the pictures that pop up in my emails. I still sense your presence, even if it's the memories of you and the memories of us overflowing from my heart.

Truth is, my heart held onto hope way longer than it needed to. I never said goodbye to you. So my heart wanted to believe there was a chance, wanted to believe the future plans I'd dreamed of weren't shattered in a million pieces.

December 19, 2020.

The day my heart knew it was time. I held a letter from you and the cloud finally lifted from my head and clarity fell. I saw the pieces, broken and fragmented, surrounding me.

This time I knew the only way to heal was to let go. To say goodbye to the version of you I once knew. To the man I remember sitting across from me with the shining smile and sparkling eyes, who always knew what I was thinking before I even said a word.

I said goodbye to the daydreams I conjured up every morning, thinking our relationship would ever be anything more than it was. To the false hope I fooled myself into holding onto.

That day I felt like I lost everything. But I actually found something.

I found peace in what I call the "art of saying goodbye." 

In the journey of letting go of the past and moving forward step by step. Saying goodbye to the illusions and finally having clarity. In relinquishing my heart's desires and finding the courage to dream new dreams.

There are still moments when I struggle with going back to you. But then the moment passes and life fills me with a joy and vigor I could have never imagined.

It is a long journey ahead. But there is an unspoken, indescribable beauty in this art of saying goodbye.

Those Around Me

Oftimes the dumbest things upset me.  I cry for a reason that I later realize is completely stupid.  I often reason with myself that I am, obviously, a teenage girl and that teenage girls are supposed to be emotional.  However, even I know that is no excuse for selfishness and self-pity.
Most times I try to move the focus off myself and on to those around me.  After all, I could be hurting very badly on the inside, but I still have it better than the rest of this world.  There are so many hurting people out there, how could I focus on the things that are so unimportant.
I was reading a book earlier, and one of the characters in it is a young girl back in the 1800s who was forced into prostitution after her husband died, leaving her without any family or friends.  Three sisters live across the saloon that she works at, and they try to help her as best they can.  She does eventually get freed from the man who claims to 'own' her, but my point is, there are people out there like that today.
How many people have I passed by that have hidden scars from past hurts?  How many people have I ignored that may be abused and stuck in a hopeless situation?  God is hope, so why didn't I show them that they aren't stuck in a completely hopeless situation?  Are there people surrounding me right now that could be hurting just as must as that book character?
At one time or another we all have hurts that must heal.  There will always be people in the world hurting, no matter how hard we try to stop it.  Sometimes it is God's way of helping us grow.  Sometimes we can grow by helping others through their hurts.  I feel like I haven't helped anyone at all, but now it's time for that to change.  I WILL help those around me.  I WILL witness to those who have not yet heard the truth.  I WILL show God to the hurting and broken.  That is why I'm here, after all.

2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

Fallen Dreams and Broken Hearts

This blog post is dedicated to a dear friend of mine, who's husband walked out on her Saturday afternoon and declared he was divorcing her, yet she is being strong and looking at positive things instead of negative.
Although this man only thought about himself when leaving, it affects everyone around him.  His best friend collapsed when he found out, not sure what happened.  Another young lady cried when she found out what he did.  I went mute for many minutes when I heard the words spoken.  This was a man of whom everyone knew and loved, yet he left not only his wife, but he left everyone who cared about him.
I could not sleep last night because of this (I finally fell asleep at four in the morning), so I intercessed and cried out for this couple.  I don't understand why this happened, nor does anyone else, but God does, and I believe He will take care of it.
Sometimes we have dreams that we are so sure will happen one day.  Then, slowly, our life begins to fall apart, and, in order for God to give us new dreams, He must tear the old ones down.  Unfortunately, this is a very painful and hard thing.  This friend of mine, for example, must endure the emotional and physical pain of her husband leaving her.  She has not eaten or slept much since she heard the news.
So, here is to God's perfect plan for our lives, that may hold on, and, one day, see that this was all about of His plan.  Here is to fallen dreams and broken hearts!

Romans 8:18
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Dedicated to LFR