The Case of the Spilled Water

 I went out the other night with a friend of mine (for the sake of the story, named Sam) and one of his close friends (we'll call him John), which happens to be someone I'm interested in.

We ordered our drinks, the waitress set them down on the table in front of us when all of a sudden the cup of water slipped from his hands and went "splash!" onto my side of the table. I sat there in shock as my dress, my underclothes, and even my skin became soaked with the ice-cold water.

John quickly apologized as I laughed it off and began soaking up however much of the water I could. Unfortunately, my dress was so soaked that I had to pull it slightly above my knees along with the slip I was wearing.

I looked between the two men in front of me, red in the cheeks, and said "Please, don't look underneath the table."

Sam quickly waved it off to say "don't worry, I won't" and John looked at me apologetically and said both gently and emphatically "No, claro que no." Roughly translated, meaning No, of course not.

They both honored that for the rest of the night.

Now, to you, this story probably means absolutely nothing. You're probably like "Okay, that was thoughtful of them, so what?"

But to someone like me, who has had almost all of her boundaries violated in the past year and a half, especially physical boundaries, the promise they kept to honor both my privacy and my body, meant the world.

A lot of you probably know my story, especially if you've read the previous blog post, so you know I'm a survivor of sexual assault. The violation I experienced after going through sexual assault and then into an abusive and manipulative relationship has been tremendous. Not just physically but also mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually.

But these past few months, God has been reconstructing my understanding of love. Not solely romantic love but love in general.

This is why I think about Sunday night and 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind... "Love is patient and kind...it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." (1 Corinthians 13:4-6, ESV)

Love always honors the other person. It's not selfish, it doesn't think about pleasing itself but would rather focus on how it can honor and uplift the other person.

God is rewiring my brain on how to live with this perspective of love. Not just so that I can love others the way that God intended all along, but also so I could receive love the way He intended me to receive it. To understand that any love that does not honor and respect me, my body, my emotions, etc. is no love at all, but rather a worldly substitution for it.

I'll likely be posting more about love in later posts as I continue this journey, but for the time being, I'd like to leave you with some questions.

How do you perceive love? When loving others, do you seek to honor and respect them?

If in a relationship, do you and your partner honor each other's boundaries, bodies, emotions, convictions, etc.? If not, is God calling you to something better, whether that be transforming the relationship or moving on from it?

Feel free to comment with your responses below!

Much love,

Hannah

The Art of Saying Goodbye

The hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye to you.

Because I never said goodbye to you. I said goodbye to my version of you. To my dreams, my plans with you, the memories I was sure were the only things keeping me alive.

I still hear your words, albeit in my head while I read your letters. I still see you, even if it's in the pictures that pop up in my emails. I still sense your presence, even if it's the memories of you and the memories of us overflowing from my heart.

Truth is, my heart held onto hope way longer than it needed to. I never said goodbye to you. So my heart wanted to believe there was a chance, wanted to believe the future plans I'd dreamed of weren't shattered in a million pieces.

December 19, 2020.

The day my heart knew it was time. I held a letter from you and the cloud finally lifted from my head and clarity fell. I saw the pieces, broken and fragmented, surrounding me.

This time I knew the only way to heal was to let go. To say goodbye to the version of you I once knew. To the man I remember sitting across from me with the shining smile and sparkling eyes, who always knew what I was thinking before I even said a word.

I said goodbye to the daydreams I conjured up every morning, thinking our relationship would ever be anything more than it was. To the false hope I fooled myself into holding onto.

That day I felt like I lost everything. But I actually found something.

I found peace in what I call the "art of saying goodbye." 

In the journey of letting go of the past and moving forward step by step. Saying goodbye to the illusions and finally having clarity. In relinquishing my heart's desires and finding the courage to dream new dreams.

There are still moments when I struggle with going back to you. But then the moment passes and life fills me with a joy and vigor I could have never imagined.

It is a long journey ahead. But there is an unspoken, indescribable beauty in this art of saying goodbye.

To those who have a voice...

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.
--Proverbs 31:8 (NIV)


As a history major (and in particular, someone who is currently taking a German history course with an emphasis on WWII and the Holocaust), I have spent countless hours studying the horrific events that occurred both within and without Germany. I have read books, watched movies, and even wrote about the persecutions of the Jews, the tragedies of a Baltics region caught between Hitler and Stalin, the violence against Nazi resisters...the list goes on and on.

The most common theme I've found amongst these victims and their suffering is this: they were VOICELESS. Defenseless. Very few were standing in their corner, prepared to fight for their lives even if it cost their own. As a result, millions were persecuted, tortured, and murdered at the hands of their oppressors.

Kind of like today...

There are millions of human beings suffering at the hands of others, and in some cases, very little is being done about it. Human trafficking, domestic violence, abortion, and bullying are only a few examples that destroy millions of human beings each year. Who is speaking up for them?

I will be the first to admit that there are the chosen few that have dedicated time, money, effort, and even their livelihoods to giving a voice to these voiceless victims. But what about the rest of us? Are we speaking on their behalf? Or simply watching on the sidelines as our fellow brothers and sisters are shattered and demolished before our very eyes?

I'm guilty of it too, trust me. I have seen stories of abuse victims and simply breathed a quick prayer before moving on with my life. I've watched videos about the horrors of abortion (and those affiliated with it) and not shared them with others because I was too afraid of "offending them." But lately, I've been realizing that this isn't how it should be.

As a Christian, it's my obligation to fight for them, to give a voice to those are unable to speak for themselves. It's not right for me to sit on the sidelines, living life comfortably while others are hurting, suffering, and even dying but are unable to do anything about it. I have something they don't have: a voice, an ability to fight against the injustice their face. If I don't use it to speak on their behalf, what is the point of having it at all?

Jesus always spoke/moved on behalf of those who were defenseless: the outcasts of society, those who had been neglected and mistreated, the ones who couldn't help themselves and who received help from no one. He ALWAYS fought for them, always changed what they themselves could not. He set the captive free, healed the sick, restored the outcasts, died for the sins of mankind when we couldn't do it ourselves....and fundamentally changed the world in doing so.

Above all, Jesus showed the rest of us how to live. If the God of the universe took the time to come down and act on our behalf, what is our excuse for not doing so for others? We may not have much to offer, but like Jesus, we can offer everything we do have. And most importantly, we can offer our VOICE.

Agape Love-Forgiveness

Love-We all know what it is.  We all have experienced it (hopefully) at one point time in our lives.  Love is very powerful.  Even the very word can tear someone heart apart or make their heart seemingly fly to the highest mountains.  Love is the very thing that gave us salvation.
But love is a very risky thing.  I have found myself putting my heart out, only to have it returned crushed and broken in a million pieces.  Love isn't something to be taken lightly.  If you truly love someone, you'll risk getting hurt even if you know that they will, at one point time or another, break your heart.
The word Agape is mentioned several times in the bible.  It is a love so selfless and pure that very few people ever experience it truly.  It is so great that God Himself came down to earth because of this type of love.  Agape love is very rare amongst people today, even amongst Christians.
Lately, I have been struggling very hard with two things: love and forgiveness.  My pastor preached about love and forgiveness Sunday morning, so I find myself struggling in these two areas especially.  He spoke on how we gave up our right to take revenge on those who have hurt us, and how we need the love of God to feel our hearts, so we can truly love them...even when they hurt us.
We need to love them like Christ loved us.  He was willing to sacrifice of Himself for our sakes, so why do we let the flesh have control, and, instead of extending mercy and forgiveness, we try to get revenge?  We only trap ourselves in doing so.
This week has been the ultimate test of love and forgiveness.  I felt like I had finally learned how to forgive, and like I didn't have problems with anyone anymore.  Then, even harder challenges arose.  I found myself nearly throwing in the towel and giving into that anger and bitterness that had snuck into my heart.  But (God really does have a sense of humor) God sent another messenger who talked on loving others and how we gave up the right to take revenge.  I really needed to hear that at that specific moment in time.
So, my question is, do you have trouble with forgiving those who have hurt you?  Are you demonstrating Agape love, or do you automatically shun a person when they hurt you?  Do you put your heart on the line, or hold some of yourself back?  Don't worry, I have trouble with this too, but, with God's help, we can overcome these two things.

Matthew 5:43-45

King James Version (KJV)

 ⁴³Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
 ⁴⁴But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
 ⁴⁵That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.