The Art of Saying Goodbye

The hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye to you.

Because I never said goodbye to you. I said goodbye to my version of you. To my dreams, my plans with you, the memories I was sure were the only things keeping me alive.

I still hear your words, albeit in my head while I read your letters. I still see you, even if it's in the pictures that pop up in my emails. I still sense your presence, even if it's the memories of you and the memories of us overflowing from my heart.

Truth is, my heart held onto hope way longer than it needed to. I never said goodbye to you. So my heart wanted to believe there was a chance, wanted to believe the future plans I'd dreamed of weren't shattered in a million pieces.

December 19, 2020.

The day my heart knew it was time. I held a letter from you and the cloud finally lifted from my head and clarity fell. I saw the pieces, broken and fragmented, surrounding me.

This time I knew the only way to heal was to let go. To say goodbye to the version of you I once knew. To the man I remember sitting across from me with the shining smile and sparkling eyes, who always knew what I was thinking before I even said a word.

I said goodbye to the daydreams I conjured up every morning, thinking our relationship would ever be anything more than it was. To the false hope I fooled myself into holding onto.

That day I felt like I lost everything. But I actually found something.

I found peace in what I call the "art of saying goodbye." 

In the journey of letting go of the past and moving forward step by step. Saying goodbye to the illusions and finally having clarity. In relinquishing my heart's desires and finding the courage to dream new dreams.

There are still moments when I struggle with going back to you. But then the moment passes and life fills me with a joy and vigor I could have never imagined.

It is a long journey ahead. But there is an unspoken, indescribable beauty in this art of saying goodbye.

Jehovah Rapha, The God Who Heals You

Exodus 15:26 (NIV)- "He said, “If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.”

Isaiah 53:5 (KJV) "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."

For those of you who have been a part of my life for at least the past three years, you know that I've been sick. A LOT. In the past three years and 4 months alone, I've had my gallbladder removed, sustained a concussion that led to a plethora of issues and left me with chronic migraines, herniated my disk at L4-L5, got a pretty bad case of COVID, struggled with depression and severe anxiety/panic attacks, etc.

For my most recent health adventure, I've been sick for several weeks with a loss of appetite because everything makes me nauseous, and a burning sensation under my ribs, throughout my chest, and in my abdomen. After weeks of working through that and trying different medications, my doctor ordered a test for H. Pylori. Honestly, I didn't think it would come to anything. But yesterday, I got the news that the test came back positive. All these crazy GI issues and the burning and the nausea was caused by some pesky bacterial infection in my gut.

In the midst of this, I've been having severe anxiety attacks that wake me up in the middle of the night. As childish as it sounds, I immediately run to my mom's room and have her pray for me until the panic goes away.

This morning, my mom came into my room and asked me how I was feeling. Then, she told me something that put my focus back on God instead of on my problems. For those of you who don't know, I had a severely herniated disk that compressed my sciatic nerve, and they thought there was no other option besides spinal surgery. During a church service, a bunch of people prayed for me, and within an instant, I felt like something reabsorbed into my spine and the pain, numbness, and tingling went away. And it hasn't been back since. So when Mom said "Remember God can heal you. He healed you of this *referring to my back* and He can heal you of this and the anxiety. This isn't over."

It shook me a little because, while I've been trying to focus on God, I've been focusing on the pain and the anxiety more. The Bible says He is the Lord that heals us, Jehovah Rapha. He's the God who took on our infirmities on the cross. By the stripes on His back, we've already been healed.

That's why cancer has to bow before Him. Chronic pain has to bow before him. Failing hearts have to restart and reprogram in His presence. Every sickness and disease is under His feet because He already defeated it when He suffered and died on the cross. That means YOUR pain has already been defeated. He already has dominion over YOUR sickness, YOUR diseases.

And He doesn't just heal physical infirmities. He's the Master Physician, He does what no other can do. He can heal our minds, our emotions, and our hearts. He's the permanent cure for anxiety and depression. He's the mender of broken hearts. The rebuilder of homes, families, and relationships. Whether it takes one encounter with God or 10, He will do it. Sometimes God does it in an instant and sometimes He takes His time. But He WILL do it.

Don't worry, child of God. He sees what you're walking through. Whether it's physical, emotional, or relational, God will heal you. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Look at the stripes on His back and remember they exist for YOU. For your healing. For your mending. For your peace and joy and comfort. Keep walking, keep seeking. It will happen.

God bless you <3

"The Pursuit"

 As I go into my 24th year of life, I decided to change directions for both my life and my blog. I've been meaning to post here for a while (by a while, I mean a couple of years), but just couldn't seem to find the words or the right direction for this blog.

Going into 2021 and putting my focus more on my relationship with God and what He has called me to do, I decided to take this blog in a different direction. By and large, it'll still have the same sort of content as before--encouraging posts, various poems or short stories, pictures from adventures in my life, etc. However, I wanted to focus the purpose of my blog as following my pursuit of Christ and the life He has planned for me. Thus giving the blog the new name "The Pursuit."

I'd also like to try and post more and be more interactive if my schedule allows for it. It might be difficult between a full-time job and a school schedule, but I'm sure a quick post here and there is doable.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a heads up for anyone looking at the new blog name and design. In case you were wondering about the changes.

As always, may God bless and keep you,

Hannah <3

A Way Higher Than Mine

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9

Since my time in Costa Rica, I've been thinking about this verse a lot lately. You see, a year ago at this time, I had my entire life planned out and it looked RADICALLY different from where I am now. I wasn't planning on being single or still living at home. I wasn't planning on having my ministry focused on the Hispanic community both domestically and abroad. I definitely wasn't planning on having everything I dreamed about, everything I held firmly in my grasp, ripped right from my fingers.

At first I didn't understand it. How could God take away my dreams, my plans? What on earth was He doing with my life?

And in the midst of the chaos, in the confusion, He allowed me to walk through doors I never even saw open. An internship at a clinic working with the most amazing people. Volunteering as in assistant ESL teacher with a supervisor and students who taught ME something every time I walked in that classroom. Incredible friendships with people who had been there all along, but who I never paid attention to. Just to name a few.

As if that wasn't enough, God opened the door for me to travel to Costa Rica again with a scholarship that paid for literally EVERYTHING. And while I was there, my dreams began to change. My focus in life began shifting. Even though I was there to teach English, they taught me even more. About life. About love. About trusting God even when nothing is going your way. I couldn't help but leave changed by the experience.

At the very end of my time there, all I could do was stand in awe at everything God had done for me and everyone He had introduced into my life. All of the doors He opened and that He keeps on opening every single week. 

It was during this time that I understood WHY I had to go through the pain, the heartache. WHY my dreams and my plans had to be torn to shreds. Because God knew they weren't good enough. He knew that His plans were so much bigger and greater and so blessed that I couldn't possibly settle for my own. 

I'm not saying it's easy. There are days I struggle to let go of my will and trust that God knows what He's doing. But ultimately, I know that He wants what is best for me. That He is FIGHTING so I can have the very best. And all I have to do is keep seeking His face, keeping trusting in His dreams, His plans. 

Because His ways and His thoughts are definitely higher than my own.

Happy New Year!!

"One and Only" Poem

This poem was written in what was probably the darkest few months of my life, when I thought my life was over and that depression had taken everything from me. But thanks be to God, who showed me that my life IS worth living and that it was not the end for me. Thanks be to Him who sent people who didn't walk away, who didn't give up, who never stopped praying, never stopped texting to check on me, and who wouldn't leave me alone until they knew I was okay. You all literally saved my life.

So, to all who read this: Never give up, never let those thoughts and those emotions dictate what you do. Because it does end, and the pain won't last forever. Hold on tight because you are loved and important and beautiful and amazing. 

One and Only

Hannah Rollett

 It’s black and cold in this tiny room

Where I lay on my rock hard bed

Tears ceaselessly leave my red, tired eyes

Dampening the pillow that’s meant to comfort

I don’t hear you. I don’t see you.

Lonely darkness overtakes me

Ensnares a soul that once exuded life

And replaces it with mortality

Your limp body dangles from nails

Violent earthquakes shake the earth

Thick clouds obscure my vision

Are you really my Savior?

I needed you today, but you weren’t here

When they said I wasn’t good enough

And I believed every word

I believed my life wasn’t worth living

They say you’re my one and only Savior

The one to whom my eyes look

When the stormy seas engulf me in fear

And my heart threatens to burst from the pain

But where are you now?

As the knife pierces my pink flesh

Crimson blood oozing from my veins

Mingling with the torrents of tears from my eyes

Yet in the blood I see a reflection

A remembrance of a crimson stream

That gushes from your speared side

As you hang from that wooden cross

When you cried out in heartbreak

In utter abandonment and terror

My God, why have you forsaken me?

Those words that escape my very lips now.

Do you hear me? Can you see me?

Up there, on that wooden cross

Where a thorny crown resides on your head

And living breath has left your lungs.

I’ve waited three days. Only silence

Permeates these walls where I hide in a corner

Hoping, praying for an escape

From these thoughts that haunt my heart

But as I tremble in shame, I remember

That trembling rock that rolled away

Flooding the tomb with life

Restoring vitality to dry and withering bones

Now I feel it. Do I dare to believe it?

The small, aching hope inside my chest

Longing for life, longing for healing

Catching a glimmer of glorious light

The blackness of midnight enshrouding my soul

Is illuminated by a brilliant ray of sun

And another and another and another

Until the darkness disappears from my sight

The room around me is overwhelmed with light

That same brilliant radiance that illuminated

Your risen body, robed in white

Glowing like the sun overtaking the night

It rushes in like a torrent of grace

Gentle love pouring from your presence

Captivating the pain that captivated my mind

Healing those words that left so many scars

Now I know, now I understand

You do hear me, you do see me

You are my one and only Savior

And you’ve been right here all along

Fotos de Costa Rica (los últimos)--Photos from Costa Rica (the last ones!)

These are the last photos of Costa Rica (for my blog, at least)! Also, my host family and the employees at Máximo Nivel are some of the kindest people I have ever met. You can see them in the pics below :)

Estos son los últimos fotos de Costa Rica (para mi blog, por lo menos)! También la tica familia con la que me quedé y los empleados de Máximo Nivel son las personas más simpáticas que he conocido. Ellos están en algunos fotos debajo. :)