The hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye to you.
Because I never said goodbye to you. I said goodbye to my version of you. To my dreams, my plans with you, the memories I was sure were the only things keeping me alive.
I still hear your words, albeit in my head while I read your letters. I still see you, even if it's in the pictures that pop up in my emails. I still sense your presence, even if it's the memories of you and the memories of us overflowing from my heart.
Truth is, my heart held onto hope way longer than it needed to. I never said goodbye to you. So my heart wanted to believe there was a chance, wanted to believe the future plans I'd dreamed of weren't shattered in a million pieces.
December 19, 2020.
The day my heart knew it was time. I held a letter from you and the cloud finally lifted from my head and clarity fell. I saw the pieces, broken and fragmented, surrounding me.
This time I knew the only way to heal was to let go. To say goodbye to the version of you I once knew. To the man I remember sitting across from me with the shining smile and sparkling eyes, who always knew what I was thinking before I even said a word.
I said goodbye to the daydreams I conjured up every morning, thinking our relationship would ever be anything more than it was. To the false hope I fooled myself into holding onto.
That day I felt like I lost everything. But I actually found something.
I found peace in what I call the "art of saying goodbye."
In the journey of letting go of the past and moving forward step by step. Saying goodbye to the illusions and finally having clarity. In relinquishing my heart's desires and finding the courage to dream new dreams.
There are still moments when I struggle with going back to you. But then the moment passes and life fills me with a joy and vigor I could have never imagined.
It is a long journey ahead. But there is an unspoken, indescribable beauty in this art of saying goodbye.
