The Art of Saying Goodbye

The hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye to you.

Because I never said goodbye to you. I said goodbye to my version of you. To my dreams, my plans with you, the memories I was sure were the only things keeping me alive.

I still hear your words, albeit in my head while I read your letters. I still see you, even if it's in the pictures that pop up in my emails. I still sense your presence, even if it's the memories of you and the memories of us overflowing from my heart.

Truth is, my heart held onto hope way longer than it needed to. I never said goodbye to you. So my heart wanted to believe there was a chance, wanted to believe the future plans I'd dreamed of weren't shattered in a million pieces.

December 19, 2020.

The day my heart knew it was time. I held a letter from you and the cloud finally lifted from my head and clarity fell. I saw the pieces, broken and fragmented, surrounding me.

This time I knew the only way to heal was to let go. To say goodbye to the version of you I once knew. To the man I remember sitting across from me with the shining smile and sparkling eyes, who always knew what I was thinking before I even said a word.

I said goodbye to the daydreams I conjured up every morning, thinking our relationship would ever be anything more than it was. To the false hope I fooled myself into holding onto.

That day I felt like I lost everything. But I actually found something.

I found peace in what I call the "art of saying goodbye." 

In the journey of letting go of the past and moving forward step by step. Saying goodbye to the illusions and finally having clarity. In relinquishing my heart's desires and finding the courage to dream new dreams.

There are still moments when I struggle with going back to you. But then the moment passes and life fills me with a joy and vigor I could have never imagined.

It is a long journey ahead. But there is an unspoken, indescribable beauty in this art of saying goodbye.

Jehovah Rapha, The God Who Heals You

Exodus 15:26 (NIV)- "He said, “If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals you.”

Isaiah 53:5 (KJV) "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."

For those of you who have been a part of my life for at least the past three years, you know that I've been sick. A LOT. In the past three years and 4 months alone, I've had my gallbladder removed, sustained a concussion that led to a plethora of issues and left me with chronic migraines, herniated my disk at L4-L5, got a pretty bad case of COVID, struggled with depression and severe anxiety/panic attacks, etc.

For my most recent health adventure, I've been sick for several weeks with a loss of appetite because everything makes me nauseous, and a burning sensation under my ribs, throughout my chest, and in my abdomen. After weeks of working through that and trying different medications, my doctor ordered a test for H. Pylori. Honestly, I didn't think it would come to anything. But yesterday, I got the news that the test came back positive. All these crazy GI issues and the burning and the nausea was caused by some pesky bacterial infection in my gut.

In the midst of this, I've been having severe anxiety attacks that wake me up in the middle of the night. As childish as it sounds, I immediately run to my mom's room and have her pray for me until the panic goes away.

This morning, my mom came into my room and asked me how I was feeling. Then, she told me something that put my focus back on God instead of on my problems. For those of you who don't know, I had a severely herniated disk that compressed my sciatic nerve, and they thought there was no other option besides spinal surgery. During a church service, a bunch of people prayed for me, and within an instant, I felt like something reabsorbed into my spine and the pain, numbness, and tingling went away. And it hasn't been back since. So when Mom said "Remember God can heal you. He healed you of this *referring to my back* and He can heal you of this and the anxiety. This isn't over."

It shook me a little because, while I've been trying to focus on God, I've been focusing on the pain and the anxiety more. The Bible says He is the Lord that heals us, Jehovah Rapha. He's the God who took on our infirmities on the cross. By the stripes on His back, we've already been healed.

That's why cancer has to bow before Him. Chronic pain has to bow before him. Failing hearts have to restart and reprogram in His presence. Every sickness and disease is under His feet because He already defeated it when He suffered and died on the cross. That means YOUR pain has already been defeated. He already has dominion over YOUR sickness, YOUR diseases.

And He doesn't just heal physical infirmities. He's the Master Physician, He does what no other can do. He can heal our minds, our emotions, and our hearts. He's the permanent cure for anxiety and depression. He's the mender of broken hearts. The rebuilder of homes, families, and relationships. Whether it takes one encounter with God or 10, He will do it. Sometimes God does it in an instant and sometimes He takes His time. But He WILL do it.

Don't worry, child of God. He sees what you're walking through. Whether it's physical, emotional, or relational, God will heal you. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Look at the stripes on His back and remember they exist for YOU. For your healing. For your mending. For your peace and joy and comfort. Keep walking, keep seeking. It will happen.

God bless you <3

"The Pursuit"

 As I go into my 24th year of life, I decided to change directions for both my life and my blog. I've been meaning to post here for a while (by a while, I mean a couple of years), but just couldn't seem to find the words or the right direction for this blog.

Going into 2021 and putting my focus more on my relationship with God and what He has called me to do, I decided to take this blog in a different direction. By and large, it'll still have the same sort of content as before--encouraging posts, various poems or short stories, pictures from adventures in my life, etc. However, I wanted to focus the purpose of my blog as following my pursuit of Christ and the life He has planned for me. Thus giving the blog the new name "The Pursuit."

I'd also like to try and post more and be more interactive if my schedule allows for it. It might be difficult between a full-time job and a school schedule, but I'm sure a quick post here and there is doable.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a heads up for anyone looking at the new blog name and design. In case you were wondering about the changes.

As always, may God bless and keep you,

Hannah <3